Five years have gone by really quick, huh?! January 28 will never be the same again. I know it has been that long but whenever this day comes, everything just suddenly comes back afresh. Yesterday, I texted Mama to find out what their plans were for your 5th angelversary. She said she wasn't sure. And then she told me that she cried because she remembered the last time you called out to her and squeezed her hand so tight. The painful memories of that day came rushing back. I was heartbroken all over again. It's been five years but the pain remains the same. I went home really hurt and when I saw your photo in the house, I felt worse and couldn't stop crying.
Then I went through our old photos and came across one during your christening. I am looking at the photo right now and hmmm, I look a bit gaunt and you were grimacing. As far as I can remember, it was a long ritual and I'm sure you already had enough of everyone's attention when they took our photo. I am really glad that I was there when you were baptised because I really regret not spending much time with you when you were growing up. I am still thankful though, because I was there the day you were born, and physically looked after you until you were almost one.
Somehow, you always have given me the courage to express how I feel, so I thought I would tell you that I really haven't stopped asking "why". It's probably because things have not really changed since you left. In fact, I think things actually got worse. You know when wise men say that a loss should bring people together? I don't think it's true because your passing almost tore our family apart. I mean it remains intact, but one of our family member's behaviour is oftentimes very challenging and to be honest, heartbreakingly shameful. I was hoping that he would have the courage to change his awful ways because we lost a precious son, but I believe he doesn't have any conscience anymore. Instead of making it up to your Adings because you really didn't get along with him very well when you were here, he chooses to be this horrible human being that brings sorrow to our family. So perhaps this is the reason why God decided to take you. Because God knew that nothing could ever make him change and God wanted you to be spared from all the stress that our family is going through right now. It's been five years and I'm still struggling to make things right. The constant misunderstanding and ingratitude also always gets me down. I would have given up on our family a long time ago if not only for your Adings. But don't worry about your Adings because I know they will be fine. They are very strong children and I have no doubt that they can defend themselves from anything and anyone. Besides, they have you - their guardian angel. I know you are very proud of them. Always remember that they look up to you.
Speaking of your Adings, Meow and I talked to them last night. It's amazing how time flies. If you could see them now, they have changed a lot physically. Ading Cxye is no longer the little Madamme who loved dressing up. She is now a fine young lady who loves selfies. Haha. I'm only joking. Ading Linus, on the other hand, has turned into this handsome young man. He is now taller than Mama and wears Papa's clothes. They both remain polite and very good children. They are mabait and talented just like you.
Last night I slept with Meow for the first time in a while because I needed comfort. When I woke up this morning, I put him back to where he has always been since we left for New Zealand- beside your photo. Then, I lit up a candle and said a little prayer. I cried again because I miss you so much. I don't think I'll ever stop crying in times like this. It still hurts that much.
Back home, Mama prepared some noodles for the family to share then she went to visit your place on earth with your Adings and Inang. Apparently when they arrived, it seemed like someone has already lit up a candle for you. Perhaps some of your friends visited you earlier.
One of your friends, HJ also posted something thoughtful on facebook. Your friends have become so special to me because I know that they'll always be there. They remind me of you. Through them, I could somehow get an idea of how you would have been. I am very grateful for that.
Hayyy, another year has gone. As much as it still hurts, I know that this pain I am feeling is a part of who and what you are. I believe that when you lose someone very, very special, the pain never fades. Thank you Keith for reminding me to always be kind even when I have all the reasons not to.
I miss you so much and I will always love you.
Mommy Tintin x
P.S. Right now, I am listening to "Lighters". I am also wearing your favourite colour, blue. :)