2019, You Were One Hell Of A Ride!

So, here I am again writing away about the year that was 2019. When I woke up this morning, I found myself absent-mindedly staring at the ceiling, perhaps thankful to be alive to face another year full of surprises. Then I looked at J who was sleeping like a child beside me. I felt a sense of gratitude because despite of our differences, we are still together- stronger than ever. Afterwards, I went to the gym because I wanted to start the year right and  have the motivation to stay healthy at least.

On my way to the gym, I became unintentionally mindful of the world around me. I surveyed my surroundings- Leicester Square on the left, Piccadilly Circus on the right. Somehow, it felt surreal again to realise that I am actually living in a place where a lot of people would want to holiday in. I was thankful for the opportunity to live here and experience such a beautiful chaos on a daily basis. 

When I got home, I made a video call to my family. They all looked well, apart my mother who is currently experiencing some pain on her back. My father, sister-in-law, my nephew and my niece were in the house, seemingly happy. My brother also called whilst I was on the phone with them. 

After that, I looked at my phone and read messages from my friends all over the world. Then I pottered around and felt relaxed looking at our small but bright and airy flat. We have food in the fridge that will last us until Friday at least. In fact, we have everything that we need and more. For once, I was in the moment and being mindful made me realise only one thing-

I have enough.

And whilst 2019 has been quite unkind, I can't deny the fact that the good things still outweighed the bad. So, yay!

Personally, I constantly battled with some mental health issues in 2019. I was functioning normally, but there was this persistent bouts of insecurities, doubts, fear, anxiety and low mood that only I would ever understand. I also went through a traumatic experience which could have potentially damaged me permanently- mentally and emotionally. This was the most fearful experience I had to go through since Keith's passing in 2012, and this experience will forever be etched on my memory.

2019 also gave me false hopes. What could have been the realisation of my biggest dream became a moment of yet another acceptance that this dream may never become a reality. Sometime in July, I thought I was pregnant as I was delayed for two weeks. I had all the physical signs of pregnancy, so I was convinced that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, all eight pregnancy tests that I took were negative. This caused me a lot of worry because then I thought that it was either I had some problem with my reproductive system, or I was nearing the menopausal stage. It was quite daunting having to go through some tests to ensure that I was okay. Luckily, all tests came back negative. I may have potentially expected too much and perhaps being pregnant was something that I created in my head, but I still felt sad, disappointed and er, bitter because I have been wanting to have a baby, and trying has been quite trying. So, I was hoping that this would be it, but obviously, the universe has other plans (yet again). 

I know I only mentioned two challenges, but trust me, they were enough to make my year quite difficult because of their impact on my mental health. Coincidentally, we also had opportunities to unwind last year- some of which were unexpected. J and I travelled a fair bit in 2019. This allowed me to reset my life (well, some aspects of it), reflect on my existence and to reconnect with the world and some of the people that matters to me. Our trip to Alsace, California and Canada helped me forget about my worries albeit temporarily. 

Professionally, I finally managed to stabilise the ward after a stormy year in 2018. What consumed my time and energy in 2019 was the clinic, which until now remains very challenging. Whilst I thought I have gone through the worst in people management in 2018, 2019 proved me wrong. My patience was continuously challenged by some people, which compelled me to make a drastic decision before the year ended. I also learned how to distance myself from people that I trusted, but were the first ones to throw me under the bus. Whilst I remain supportive to my staff, I understand that some people lack genuine compassion and are only there to do a job and therefore, I really can't expect anything more.

It was as if I haven't had enough to deal with already in 2019 that in December, we were told that there has been some changes in the company business plan, and that there will be a potential redundancy. We were given a month to three months to be officially made redundant. It is very unsettling, but hey, such is life. My only consolation is the fact that I have resilient staff who have good skills (in life and clinically), who are well experienced and who have great knowledge. Therefore, whatever happens, I am confident that they will be okay. In my case, I really have something to think about.

So here I am, at a crossroads once again.

2019, you were one hell of a ride but thank you. Because of the challenges you brought me, I have become more aware of my own mental health and of those who are close to my heart. I now have a full understanding that my mental health is as important as my physical health and therefore, I will do my best to protect it in 2020.

2020, I am going to lift everything up to the universe. But whatever it is that you have in store for me, remember that you are dealing with a true warrior. 

TIN x