The deep and substantial conversation I had
with a good friend a few days ago made me reflect on the biggest decision that
I have ever made in my life- to temporarily drop everything that I had in
London and move down under with almost nothing but a man who was brave enough
to take his chance on me.
Don't get me wrong, London has opened so
many doors for me but at the same time, I was also challenged to the core. I
was pushed beyond my boundaries. It came to a point where I was no longer
sure of the person I have become. I can't deny the fact that despite all the
challenges, I remained strong and positive. But I was also very inconsistent.
In my weakest moments, I broke down in silence. I felt helpless. I was very
insecure. London suddenly became too small for me. I was suffocated and
was slowly being defeated by my desperate attempt to change myself because I
was apparently too kind, and being kind was obviously not a good thing for some
people. I was called a pushover and a doormat, in fact. I was falsely accused
of not having the power to defend myself. My kindness suddenly became
questionable. Apparently, I was faking it. I felt so lost, I didn't know
who I was anymore. I was doing things that I didn't necessarily enjoy because I
wanted to change the person I was. I wanted to be more confident. I wanted to
have that power over people. I wanted to be that b*tch that men would likely to
fall in love with. I wanted to be a different person when I was barely
over the passing of Keith.
All in a span of two years. Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. I was
losing the people I loved. I was falling out with friends.
Work, although it wasn't too bad became
less satisfying. After two years, I figured out that there was something
missing in my professional life. I wasn't the same confident Nurse I was
before I moved to London. I only have myself to blame because I let people
intimidate me. My confidence was crushed to the ground by some people who
disregarded my knowledge, skills and experiences. Since then, I wasn't sure if I still
wanted to be a Nurse anymore. My life was suddenly filled with so much
uncertainties. Actually, I no longer knew where my life was heading. I was
almost 40- separated, sharing a flat with younger people and was not as
financially stable as I was hoping to be. Finally, I was on the verge of giving
up. For the first time in my life, I wanted to run away.
And then I found love. But
even so, things didn't come easy. While I was trying to make a life with him,
someone out there was trying to break the still shaky foundation that we have
built. Clearly, I was fighting a new battle. I knew what we had was
worth fighting for, but I also knew that I could only fight so much. There were
times when I felt so inadequate. I was beginning to realise that no matter how
hard I try, I would never be enough to anyone. The thought of it was very
painful because I knew I was trying my very best, but nothing seemed to be
working out (in all aspects of my life that is). I came to a point where I
desperately wanted to give up. But my love for myself prevailed. That's when I
realised that perhaps all I needed was a break. A break to reassess my life,
find what was missing, focus on what was important and start over again. But
the question was- how?
Coincidentally, J was considering a
job offer in New Zealand. Without a second thought, I told him to accept
the offer and that I would go with him. I saw this as an opportunity to finally
be able to start a new life with him away from all the poisonous
distractions, and also for me to reset my life. Although it took him a
while to make the final decision, he eventually signed the contract.
I knew I wasn't completely ready to give up
my job although I was becoming increasingly unsettled as days went by. In one
of my random conversations with a colleague, she mentioned that she was taking
a career break because she wanted to work in New Zealand for a bit. That's
where I got the idea from. So, as soon as J has finalised his work
requirements, I asked for a career break.
It wasn't a difficult process. I
arranged a meeting with my boss and expressed my intentions of taking a career
break. Without too much interrogation, he granted my request. Everything went
smoothly thereafter.
My one-year career break was not at all bed of
roses. There were some dramas challenges along the way, but nevertheless it is one of
the best things that I have ever done in my life.
I came back to London reluctantly and with
so much anxiety because I knew that some people will try their best to destroy
my inner peace. My fear became a reality as soon as I went back to the
routine I left a year ago. It's amazing how some people can treat you so bad
sometimes. They don't even have to necessarily say or do something nasty
directly to you. All they have to do is make you feel like you don't exist. Yes, I go through this majority of the time. I'm not sure how long will I have to endure this but right now, I am fighting. Luckily, I have had
such a good life in the last year and I still do now, so I draw strength from
that. I draw strength from the fact that I have so much more to be thankful for
and that I am in a much better place than some people out there.
TIN x
