On Acceptance, Forgiveness and Death

Saturday, 31 March 2018

I was expecting to see Kuya in bed- looking gaunt, weak and in pain. Instead, he was sat on the couch, chatting away-looking strong and far from that person I was told only has a few days (or a month at most) to live. He was sort of surprised to see me, whilst I was happy to see him healthier than I expected. We hugged like old friends. And as I closed my eyes, I emptied my mind and my heart for a second to allow all the emotions through, silently and wholeheartedly. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I let go of his tight embrace, but I knew he didn't need tears at the time. He then said,"O, paupuin niyo si Cristine". Ate asked him very politely to go back to his bed so I could sit on the sofa. That simple gesture evoked some good memories of when I used to regularly hang out in their flat in Bristol. Suffice to say that I remain grateful for this couple's generosity towards me back then.

After an hour of catching up and sharing our positively stressful life in London with his other visitors, our conversation somewhat turned deeper. Kuya spoke in an almost melancholy voice. As I listened to him though, I saw the same person I met over five years ago- eloquent, sharp and passionate. Whilst he used to consistently speak with strong conviction, that day, there was this sense of humility in his voice. That hour of honest conversation with him reminded me of three of the most important lessons that I have learned through the years:

1. Acceptance
- Sometime in 2014, I wrote that "acceptance is the key" in one of my blogs about letting go and moving on. This was validated by Kuya when he said that he needed to accept things the way they were before he could finally let go. His words still echo in my head, "acceptance talaga". He said it took him a long time to be able to do this which really surprised me. I have always known him to be feisty and I assumed that he could easily let things go. 

What I have learned (and still learning) from this life is that there are things that you cannot change no matter how hard you try. Stopping when you know you have done your best doesn't mean you are giving up. It only means that you have accepted the situation for what it is. Once you have done this, find it in your heart to let go, and believe that you can and will move on. Only then that you can truly be happy and free.

2. Forgiveness
- Kuya and I parted ways in a rather disheartening circumstance. What once was a very strong alliance became somewhat a painful separation. To be honest, all that has happened in the past no longer matter to me, but my visit to Kuya made me reflect on what happened then. Perhaps during that time, we cared too much for other people that we were both unsure what and who was really worth fighting for. I can only assume that on his part, he fought for the right reasons and for the right people.  Whilst on my part, well, I may have fought solely for the person who ended up hurting me, but then again, if it were not for that reason, I wouldn't be where I am now- in a place where every single battle is worth fighting for.

I don't know about you, but a person doesn't even have to ask for my forgiveness for me to forgive them. That's why when Kuya asked for forgiveness that afternoon, I knew in my heart and in my mind that there was nothing to forgive, only bridges to rebuild. 

3. Death
- As morbid as it is to talk about, death is a reality we all have to accept. I can't remember witnessing anyone I personally know openly talk about death, but Kuya did exactly that that afternoon. He bravely said that he is not afraid to die. This left me speechless, but I admired his strength. It seemed like he has accepted his fate and is ready to be with his Creator (from the words he confidently uttered). But not yet. I would like to believe that four weeks can be many more weeks, as examining him, he looked physically and mentally able to make it a little bit further. And I am claiming it.

Looking back on that afternoon, I am really glad I made an effort to visit Kuya no matter how busy my life has been. I am grateful that I was able to listen to him once again and make proper conversation with him, just like the old times really. I am praying that God will allow us to see each other again soon, hopefully not for the last time.

That afternoon was a poignant reminder that life is indeed too short. I am guilty of not reaching out earlier, but all that matters now is our renewed friendship. It honestly feels great to let Kuya and Ate back in my life again. I know not everyone deserves a second chance, but I believe we do. It certainly is never too late to start over again.

TIN x

8 Lessons February Taught Me

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Boom. Just like that and it's mid-March. I certainly don't know where the time is going. All I know is that I am back at chasing it. Life in 2018 so far has been a roller coaster for me, but I am very much enjoying every bit of the ride. There are days of course when it all becomes overwhelmingly nauseating.  But when this happens, all I do is close my eyes and think of all the blessings that have come and are still coming my way, then I am renewed almost instantly.

To say the least, the first three months of 2018 has been a learning curve. And whilst I enjoy writing about food and places, all that this year has allowed me so far is to reflect on the lessons that I have learned, hence this second entry for my lessons learned series.

1. There is such a thing as good stress
- I am not going to deny that I am under quite a bit of stress at the moment. However, the stress I am going through right now isn't the stress that can cause skin breakout or the stress that will make you like a zombie. Instead, it is that kind of stress that excites you and pushes you harder to achieve a certain goal. It is the stress that makes you feel good about yourself and see things in a more positive light. It is the stress that keeps you motivated despite all the negativity that surrounds you. It's the kind of stress that makes you love life even more despite the challenges. It is that- good stress. I never knew it existed until I experienced it, and it feels so good.

2. Be kind and the world will be kind to you
-  If you are an innately kind person, the universe will find its way to repay your kindness. It may not be the biggest things that you are hoping for, but you should remember that oftentimes, it's those little things that really matter. Be it a weekly free coffee from your favourite coffee shop, a free chocolate bar from somebody you've just recently met or an extra stamp on your loyalty card- be grateful just the same. Or it could be that priceless moment when a five year old said that you are the kindest in the family.

3. Don't give up on something without even trying
- One day at work, we were talking about marmite. Someone asked me if I like it and I confidently said no as if I've tried it before. When I admitted that I actually haven't tried it, I realised one thing: that I have given up on something without even trying. That moment, I was reminded of those times when I was easily convinced I couldn't do something, when in fact I never actually tried anything. Luckily now,I have an angel up in heaven who always reminds me that I can do anything. He gives me the courage to keep on believing and trying on something even if I am often feel like a failure. He made me believe that everything and everyone deserve a chance in this world.

4. Always be mindful of your words and your actions
- I can no longer count how many times I have actually said this to other people in the last month. Personally, I have been a victim of misinterpretation and I have fallen out with really good friends because of this. I have learned my lessons since then and now, I am trying really hard to be mindful of how I say things and react to a situation or a person. What I learned recently is that some people interact with you to find something that they can criticise about you. Hence, every single word you say, every eyebrow you raise and every body action you make is going to be scrutinised. Believe it or not, if any of those is not of their "standard" (whatever that is), you will be portrayed as rude, abrupt, inappropriate, etc. But saying all that, also remember that you are not here to please anyone. 

5. Owning up to your mistake is easier than explaining yourself
- Recently, I made a mistake of not arranging something important and as a result of this, someone was very disappointed. Whilst I used to be very defensive and would waste time explaining to people why I made a mistake no matter how small, on this occasion, I just said sorry and admitted it was my fault. Being an occasional perfectionist doesn't always allow me to own up to my mistakes easily, you see. Of course I would apologise but I would then give as much justification as I can just so I don't look like a complete idiot. It's only when I have accepted the fact that I am now a manager that I decided to learn how to take full ownership of my mistakes. I learned that by doing so, I can make better decisions for myself and the people around me. 

6. It only takes one  person to ruin the whole experience
- Just as when you think that you are in an almost perfect place, someone comes along and makes everything more interesting for all the wrong reasons. Life is funny like that. 

7. Chain letters- sometimes it's some people's way of asking for a miracle
- Last month, a close family friend passed away. I wasn't aware that he was suffering from a medical condition, but he frequently sent me chain letters. Now I must tell you that although I broke the chain all the time (because I never passed it on),I always acknowledged his letters and said thank you. Somehow when I heard the bad news, this was the first thing that came to my mind. It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps, he was sending those chain letters hoping for a miracle. Then I realised that although those letters get so annoying sometimes, we should at least try and not ignore them because that could probably be some people's only hope.

8. It can always be worse
- I am normally a very positive person, but there were at least a couple of times last month when I was very tired and complained about silly things like not having time to do household chores and not having things that I don't really need. J was quick to remind me that my situation wasn't really bad. He asked me questions like, "what about the mothers who work full time and don't have maids?" and "what about the people who die in war everyday?". And he was right. My situation could definitely be worse. Therefore, I shouldn't really complain especially when I am fully aware that there are other people out there who are genuinely suffering.

There you have it. Despite how ridiculously busy I am these days, I am enjoying this chapter in my life because I am learning and growing  a lot personally and professionally. 

TIN x
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