An Angel's Touch: Four Years Gone

For the last four years, I have learned how to live a normal life without Keith. However, this does not mean that I am no longer in pain because I still am. I don't think the pain will ever go away. You just learn how to live through it.

For the last three years I have been asking family and friends to make this day a K Lighter Day by doing some of the things that Keith loved doing. However, this year I decided not to do this.  You know as a bereaved parent, your worst fear is for people to forget your child. Although you know that this will happen eventually, you still get scared. This is the reason why I have stopped asking people to remember this day as K Lighter Day. It is because I am afraid that no one will care anymore.  I mean, it really is okay because I know that I can't force people to do something they don't want to do, but as  a bereaved parent this can hurt. So I decided to just keep this to myself and just hold this day close to my heart. My family in the Philippines do their own thing. But my brother made a good point when my mother told him about celebrating today. He apparently said that it's better to celebrate his birthday rather than his death anniversary. Perhaps he is right. 
This remains my favourite photo of Keith. I took this photo the first time I went home to the Philippines. 
And this... I just keep thinking how Keith would have been like as a teenager. With his good looks, good heart and talents, God he would have been so popular.

Anyway, today I celebrate K Lighter Day as usual. I am wearing blue, I have played Keith's Favourite song Lighters and I have lit up a blue candle. These are the three things that I religiously do on K Lighter Days. But also, I won't be swearing and killing an insect today. Unfortunately, I do not play any musical instruments anymore (used to play a bit of guitar and keyboards) and I will not be able to paint as I still don't have painting stuff in our new apartment. One thing that I am still working on is praying. Forgive me but I was angry and couldn't do it. Besides, I have my reasons for keeping a  distance. My mother will not be proud of me for saying this but this is how I feel. Perhaps when you have gone through a few difficult times in your life and the universe keeps showing you proof that life is unfair, then somehow you will get confused and won't know who to trust anymore. But please don't judge me as I am  working on this now. After all, I was this girl who read the bible on weekends and prayed a lot a long time ago. And I know that Keith will not like this either.

To Keith- my angel, you will forever be in Mommy Tintin's heart. I will love you forever. Please continue to watch over us.

I am missing you big time.

So, on this day no matter what we are going through, I hope that we can still find a way to make this day a K Lighter Day.

tintin x


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