The Untold and Unheard Feelings

I have been extra emotional lately due to a few things that have been bothering me, mainly about my mother. It has been rather difficult for me to share any of my feelings to anyone because I know that no one will ever understand how I feel. So why am I here, you may ask? The simple answer is because no one is obliged to listen to me and understand me when I write. So, please allow me.

Firstly, I feel guilty that I didn't make an effort to go home to my parents in the past six years. And with the virus still raging (especially in the Philippines), I am unsure when I will be able to go home safely. It is very hard because I know that my mother is not very well, and all I want is to see her and hug her one more time. I didn't go home for six years because I was selfish. The only time I decided to prioritise myself because I finally realised that I've given so much to others and so little to myself, was the time fate played its trick on me. I would blame it to the circumstances, but still, I should have tried harder. 

Then the most unexpected thing happened early last year. My mother was diagnosed with a medical condition that is rather dangerous. As soon as I found out about this, I made plans to go home that April, but then coronavirus came. I have been speaking to her most days, if not everyday since then. I want to make up for the days I lost in not going home to see them- and this is the only way I know how. I felt very guilty and even guiltier when she had an accident in October last year which limited her mobility. 

I know my mother is suffering physically and emotionally, but she is trying her best because I know she still wants to see me. It breaks my heart every time I speak to her on the phone. I avoid video calls as much as possible because I don't want to see her in bed. I don't want to see her that way. 

You see, my mother is far from perfect. She has said things that hurt me and other people. She says things that make her sound ungrateful, but I know she just can't express herself that well. No one, not even herself expected this to happen to her. Her health was obviously declining, but we didn't anticipate her to be in this situation. And knowing my mother, this is very hard for her. Hence, her defence is to give in to the situation and (very reluctantly) accept that she is not going to walk again. My mother is not normally a negative person. She instilled positivity in me since childhood, no matter how difficult life was for us back then, so it is quite painful for me to listen to her utter words that only mean weakness. That's why whenever she tells me that she has accepted  her fate and that she is now going to be like this until she dies, it hurts me. My mother is one of the strongest people I know and it breaks my heart to hear her speak like there is no hope left for her. 

My mother without a doubt is showing signs of depression. It is not easy for an independent and sociable person to suddenly be confined in a room on her own majority of the time. She is feeling sorry for herself, and I can hear and feel her sinking deep into self-pity. She feels helpless and hopeless. So hopeless that she is even willing to sacrifice her own comfort, because she feels bad that other people are having to care for her. But has she got a choice? No. I know my mother would rather look after herself -if only she could. 

And here I am, thousands of miles away from home, looking after other people when I cannot even look after my parents, especially my mother. Every time I hold a patient's hand to reassure them that everything is going to be alright, my heart sinks. I always wish that it is my mother's hand that I am holding, and it is my mother that I am saying those reassuring words to. Lately, my morning rounds have become sort of a torture. My staff would address complaints to me and whenever I speak to a patient about their complaints, I think of my mother. I spend time listening to patients complain about little things- how I wish I can do that with my mother, too - in person, so that I can hold her hand and reassure her that I will do my  best to make things right. Being a manager has helped me gain a better understanding as to why some patients complain- because they are not in control. And my mother is definitely not in control of her life and her health at the moment, and this is why she expresses herself so negatively sometimes. My mother is not a bad person. I know there are worse people out there. In fact, when my mother was able, she helped a lot of people. Kind of made me realise that when you are no longer able and are the one in need of help, there will only be a handful of people who will genuinely pay it back to you. Not that you're asking for anything in return, but reciprocity should be given.

Honestly, this is very hard on my part. God knows that if given the choice, I would rather go home and look after my own mother. I feel guilty that I am not there for her when she needs me the most. I know my mother feels that she is alone, but she is not because she has me even if I am not physically with her. There is nothing worse in life than being surrounded by people and yet you feel lonely. Sadly, this is my mother's truth. She may not say it, but I know. She is my mother. She brought me into this world. 

It's really difficult for me to express exactly how I feel, because all there is is guilt. I have never felt so guilty in my life before. I know I have been mumbling throughout this blog, but my emotions are all over the place right now. So please forgive me if you're reading this and it doesn't make sense to you. Ultimately, there is only one thing that I am hoping and praying for- to hold my mother's hand once more.

TIN x