Finding My Purpose at 47

I love birthdays and I always look forward to mine. This year though,it feels kinda different. The excitement seemed to have been overshadowed by feelings of regret, inadequacy and overall melancholy. These feelings have been building up for the last three months and yesterday, it finally blew up. For the first time since my 39th birthday, I was honest with myself and accepted that perhaps I was and still am having a birthday depression, or commonly known as birthday blues. I remember one of my good friends reminding me on Friday that it was soon my birthday weekend. My reply was, "I am not even thinking about it." The weekend went, and then Monday came. I started becoming an emotional wreck. I was feeling very down and cried a few times throughout the day. J tried his best to comfort me, but that even made me feel worse. I felt a complete failure. And then I started asking myself why. Why was I feeling that way? 

Then I reflected on the last year, most especially the last six months. I think a lot of the negative feelings that I have right now is due to the fact that I have been confused and have lost my focus in the last six months. All of a sudden, I couldn't find my purpose. I was overwhelmed by the thought that I have made a (very) wrong decision and now I am screwed. Someone actually asked me if I had any regrets. I was in denial then and said no. But in reality, and deep inside my heart, I knew I probably made the wrong decision. Or perhaps I didn't. Until now, I still don't know. God only knows and time can only tell. Although things are better now, I am still looking for that purpose.

That was yesterday. Today is a different story.

I woke up singing "It's A Beautiful Day" in my head. I heard myself humming to the lyrics of this beautiful and uplifting song, "Lord, I thank you for sunshine, Thank you for rain". Then I whispered to myself, it's a good day to be alive. I checked my mobile phone and saw messages from my immediate family and close friends. I felt a lot better after reading their heartfelt messages. As the day progressed, I received more messages. Then one of my good friends sent me a message saying, " In your lowest moments, always remember you have had a good year and you are going to have even better years. I'm so grateful for all the good lessons and counselling sessions and to many more." I couldn't help but cry. Then heartwarming messages continued to pour in, reminding me how blessed I am. One saying, " Continue to be a leader, continue to share kindness, good advice and loving words to those who need it most." I am not one to seek affirmation from other people, but I guess I am quite lost that I now need other people to remind me of what I am? Whilst I had a clear purpose a year ago, I now feel like I have no purpose in this life. Then one of Keith's friends greeted me and said, " So grateful to have met a person like you. There's a reason for it." And so perhaps, there is a reason for my existence after all.

From that moment, I decided to stop being miserable and enjoy my day instead. I got ready for lunch with J at our favourite restaurant. I was edgy to begin with, really quite unfair to J who was trying to give me a good birthday. But then I calmed down when he said something funny. We had a good lunch and when we got home, I opend my gifts and  read the best birthday card I received this year- from 9-year old Poppy who said that I always put a smile on her face. If this is one of my purposes in life, then I would gladly take it.

I know this is quite a negative birthday blog, but I don't know how to express myself any other way. For reassurance,  I am definitely feeling better now after a very good day, thanks to J and my family and friends who added value to my day.

As my birthday draws to a close, I look forward to another year of finding my purpose in this life. For now, I thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me the last year. I pray for nothing but good health and inner peace this year.

Tin x

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018, Thank You For The Roller Coaster Ride!

Image
If I have not said it before, New Year is my favourite time of the year as it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the life that was and to look forward to the life that will be.  2018 was indeed a roller coaster ride of emotions, but I remain grateful because those emotions provided me with valuable lessons to be learned. I guess it is fair to say that 2018, you gave me false hopes at the beginning, but then you gave me the light in the end.  So, how did my 2018 go? Well, I documented my journey in my instagram account, so here are a few of my musings that best describe the year that was: 1. Because we have each other, it's good vibes only. - J and I had some minor health scare at the beginning of 2018. As minor as it was, it gave us emotional instability and some degree of physical challenge. I came to a point when I felt like I couldn't do anymore, however, I was reminded that J and I were in this together. The support that we had for each other during this chal
Read more

The Southern Clifftop Track and Whitireia Walkways in Porirua

Image
The train ride to Porirua for our Whitireia Park walk completed my public transportation experience in Wellington, and I have my friend E to thank for that. It was indeed a very pleasant 20-minute journey from the city and very cheap as well (NZ$11.50 return). Not a bad choice for mode of transport to get in and out of the city in my opinion. From Porirua station, we took the bus (220) to Titahi Bay where we had lunch first before we commenced our walk. After that, we walked all the way to the end of the beach. Unfortunately,  t here was no exit from there so we had to go back up the hill to continue with our walk.  On our ascent to Stuart Park, we were rewarded with beautiful views. The track was paved with small rocks scattered in some areas and it was quite steep, so it took a little bit of an effort to climb up. This part of the walkway provided a good view of the Mana island though. We walked  all the way to the "Sewer Outfall", where we were greet
Read more

Afternoon Tea in London: My Experiences in 2022

Image
Afternoon Tea has become a huge part of my life since 2006. It has been one of the things that's keeping me sane and happy, especially when life seems challenging and I need something to cheer me up. This is the reason why I didn't even realise that I may have actually overdone it last year. But I have no regrets because I enjoyed every single Afternoon Tea experience I had then, most especially because I shared those experiences with people who matter, old and new. In fact, I had some of the most memorable Afternoon Tea experiences last year, and I'm going to tell you why. 1. The Claridge's - Brook St. - Afternoon Tea at The Claridge's was on top of my list last year and I am glad that I was able to share this experience with two wonderful friends, Damaris and Veronica. Perhaps I could say that this Afternoon Tea sealed our sisterhood. It's amazing because despite our huge age difference, we get on very well. And this is why this Afternoon Tea at The Claridge&#
Read more