Finding My Purpose at 47
I love birthdays and I always look forward to mine. This year though,it feels kinda different. The excitement seemed to have been overshadowed by feelings of regret, inadequacy and overall melancholy. These feelings have been building up for the last three months and yesterday, it finally blew up. For the first time since my 39th birthday, I was honest with myself and accepted that perhaps I was and still am having a birthday depression, or commonly known as birthday blues. I remember one of my good friends reminding me on Friday that it was soon my birthday weekend. My reply was, "I am not even thinking about it." The weekend went, and then Monday came. I started becoming an emotional wreck. I was feeling very down and cried a few times throughout the day. J tried his best to comfort me, but that even made me feel worse. I felt a complete failure. And then I started asking myself why. Why was I feeling that way?
Then I reflected on the last year, most especially the last six months. I think a lot of the negative feelings that I have right now is due to the fact that I have been confused and have lost my focus in the last six months. All of a sudden, I couldn't find my purpose. I was overwhelmed by the thought that I have made a (very) wrong decision and now I am screwed. Someone actually asked me if I had any regrets. I was in denial then and said no. But in reality, and deep inside my heart, I knew I probably made the wrong decision. Or perhaps I didn't. Until now, I still don't know. God only knows and time can only tell. Although things are better now, I am still looking for that purpose.
That was yesterday. Today is a different story.
I woke up singing "It's A Beautiful Day" in my head. I heard myself humming to the lyrics of this beautiful and uplifting song, "Lord, I thank you for sunshine, Thank you for rain". Then I whispered to myself, it's a good day to be alive. I checked my mobile phone and saw messages from my immediate family and close friends. I felt a lot better after reading their heartfelt messages. As the day progressed, I received more messages. Then one of my good friends sent me a message saying, " In your lowest moments, always remember you have had a good year and you are going to have even better years. I'm so grateful for all the good lessons and counselling sessions and to many more." I couldn't help but cry. Then heartwarming messages continued to pour in, reminding me how blessed I am. One saying, " Continue to be a leader, continue to share kindness, good advice and loving words to those who need it most." I am not one to seek affirmation from other people, but I guess I am quite lost that I now need other people to remind me of what I am? Whilst I had a clear purpose a year ago, I now feel like I have no purpose in this life. Then one of Keith's friends greeted me and said, " So grateful to have met a person like you. There's a reason for it." And so perhaps, there is a reason for my existence after all.
From that moment, I decided to stop being miserable and enjoy my day instead. I got ready for lunch with J at our favourite restaurant. I was edgy to begin with, really quite unfair to J who was trying to give me a good birthday. But then I calmed down when he said something funny. We had a good lunch and when we got home, I opend my gifts and read the best birthday card I received this year- from 9-year old Poppy who said that I always put a smile on her face. If this is one of my purposes in life, then I would gladly take it.
I know this is quite a negative birthday blog, but I don't know how to express myself any other way. For reassurance, I am definitely feeling better now after a very good day, thanks to J and my family and friends who added value to my day.
As my birthday draws to a close, I look forward to another year of finding my purpose in this life. For now, I thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me the last year. I pray for nothing but good health and inner peace this year.