In Search of Solace

I am not sure how long will I be writing about my struggle to find solace after the death of our beloved Keith. Some of you may eventually get tired of reading my (depressing) blogs, but this is my one way of trying to cope from the loss of my beloved child. I can only hope that you understand. But perhaps you really won't, unless you are or have been in our shoes.

It's now more than three weeks since Keith left us forever, and the wound is still as fresh as when I received the phone call that changed my life forever. At some point I thought I may have accepted that Keith really didn't belong to us. But could I be just in denial? Every single day, I keep asking why. Sometimes I even hear myself asking out loud. At times I want to scream, punch the wall or break something. I know I am angry. But angry at what, with whom? I don't know. All I know is that I am still very much grieving and the pain remains so strong. Possibly, I am also bitter that other kids with Dengue have survived and Keith didn't.

It also breaks my heart to read my sister-in-law's status updates on facebook. She has been using the networking site to express her feelings, probably hoping that someone out there will leave her with kind words to comfort her. From what she has been writing, it is very obvious that she's struggling to come to terms with Keith Ashley's passing, much more than I do. I want to help her, but I know I need to help myself first.

Our planned trip to New York on Friday would have been a good start of my journey to recovery. However, we were not able to go. Thanks to ESTA (Electronic System for Travel Authorization). I didn't realize that I needed an authorization to travel- a requirement that was implemented by the US Embassy three years ago. Apparently even British citizens now need an ESTA before they can travel to the US. I was really disappointed, but yet again, things happen for a reason.

So instead we spent the weekend with a relative in Oxfordshire, which somehow gave me comfort. But comforting as it was, I still felt the need to search for other grieving mothers on the world wide web. Because I know that we are not the only mothers in the world who have lost a child. Somehow I believe that I will find solace from people who have suffered the same loss. 

I found a few websites which are quite helpful. I found a couple from the Philippines too, which I am hoping could somehow help my sister-in-law, and even my mother. I would not normally do such thing, but I thought I'd reach out to these people. I sent an email to Mom Blogger as well as to INA Foundation, but I am not sure if they will reply. But simply knowing that there are mothers out there who have been willing to share their experiences of losing a child kind of comforts me.

I know this is going to be a very long journey for all of us. This tragedy has even left me with panic attacks. I worry about my family constantly. But I know God is guiding us and Keith is looking over us.

It also comforts me to know that Keith was the child that we can forever be proud of. He will always be remembered by people as the "batang mabait" (good boy), talented, intelligent and good-looking. We will always love you baby.

tintin x


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