There. I've said it.
Yesterday I said something that drew concern amongst my friends and family. Since I wrote those strong words, I couldn't stop thinking whether I have done the right thing or not. What was I expecting to get from all that? Affirmation? I don't know. I just felt that I needed to be heard. To defend myself. I know that I am a very emotional person and I have the tendency to put my emotions into writing (publicly), but not to the extent of dishing out something that perhaps people did not need to know.
Recently though, I have been quite disturbed by some recurring events in my life that almost drove me to emotional distraction. I was over thinking and feeling like I have never done anything right in my life. Whoa! For a moment, I thought I was losing myself. But then I searched deeper and realised that it's all been about how people have made me feel in the last few years. Something triggered that nagging feeling that no matter what I do, I will never be enough for anyone. They will always ask for more and look for more- in me or elsewhere. For so long, I managed to mask out that feeling of inadequacy. But somehow, it found its way out and started to creep all over me. Needless to say, I succumbed to defeat.
I broke my own rules and suddenly forgot the woman who went through hell but fought back and came out a winner. I lost her. Almost. Well, I probably did lose her because I was able to say what I said. Do I regret it? Not really. I suppose sometimes you have to be weak to remain strong. I was weak because I gave in to negativity, but I remained strong because I was brave enough to let my voice be heard. I know a lot of people saw it as something out of my character because they probably know me as someone who is strong and not easily fazed by what other people say. But sometimes I think at some point, you have to be that someone people didn't know about. In my case, being that person gave me the courage to say what I needed to say. And I said it and that's just that.
Today is another day.
So I went for a run this morning. Running always gives me the opportunity to reflect on my life. On a lot of things in fact. And running through the bitterness of the cold winter wind, I was reminded of the two things that I know very well and used to tell myself to make me feel better:
1. That I don't owe anyone any explanation. People can judge me for all they want. I know myself more than anyone else.
2. I cannot please everybody. And I am not here to please anyone in the first place. So, if I am not enough for them (despite doing the best I could), then tough.
Because of what I said, I received many comforting words from family and friends. I have nothing but gratitude to those people who came to my rescue and were quick to remind me of the person I truly am. I am very grateful.
And yet again, I tripped. But as always, I was quick to pick myself up.
I am hoping that This will be the last time I am going to write something like that. So help me God. :)